and it's one more day

Last night was nice.  It was nice to spend time with Rayne away from the tavern.  Still, even with our talk, I never managed to make a decision.  She, I do believe, could understand why it was so tough.  She didn't know which would be best, either.

She said something to me that broke my heart though, "Please don't make me tell him that you died."  I think those were the words.  And again, that brings me back to this decision.

I mean, what if I don't make it back?

Apparently Taye and Jamal have been doing some business with the group I mentioned in my entry before this one.  So, they're being held along with a couple of others.  Taye and Jamal asked a favor of them, but what this favor involves, I don't know yet.  And they swore that they'd pay this group back.  I guess they never paid them.  And now their lives are threatened and it looks like that threat has extended to the rest of the crew.  For some reason, they believe someone that worked along with them fled to Kenya and started working with us.  So now, they're not only wanting money from us, they're wanting this person.  I don't know what this person did.  But I have heard that the story has been confirmed.  The guy's name is Mosi.  He has been with the group for a couple of months now, from what I understand.  The Makucha threatened his family or something when Mosi didn't follow through with some kind of plans he was supposed to carry out.  So, he fled, with his family.  

This whole ordeal is getting more twisted each and every day.  I have no idea what I'm supposed to do, quite yet.  Most have been trying to get me to stay home.  I can't!  Not now, not when the whole crew have been threatened.  Because, hi, I am a part of that crew, so, basically, I'm under that same threat.  Right?

Not only that.  I want to meet this Mosi character, just to make sure that his story is straight and that there's nothing fishy about him.

My flight is supposed to leave late tomorrow night.  Unless there are some delays or something like that.
For the record?  I really, really hate flying.

God, I want to call him.  I do. 

Things to note, here, in case I lose the sheet of paper:

Hadharani Makucha.  I think that means Dark Claws?
Bad group of folks.  
Location: Northwest of Kibungo

I just talked to Rayne about some stuff.  I'm going over tonight to stay the night with her, and talk some more.

 

She's such an amazing friend.

My head hurts.   I have so much going on that I don't.. that I can't think.  Sebastian and I couldn't seem to catch each other over the last few days.  It's been a game of missed calls, all voice mail.  There's been a lot coming out, things said that have been surprising.  I didn't get a chance to return his call last night. 

And, well, I don't want to be bothering him.  Would I be bothering him? 

I didn't tell him a lot of things.  I don't want to hurt him any more than I already have.

He doesn't know about Vanya.  And while he knows about the trip to Africa, he doesn't know the real reasons behind it.  This is more than 'saving the animals' or 'saving the trees'.  This involves people.  It involves going to a place that I shouldn't.  Doing something I shouldn't. 

I received a call yesterday with a report on Jamal and Taye.  People seem to think they're being help up in Rwanda, along with three other people that I don't know.  I don't know exactly all of the details.  In fact, I feel as if some information is being kept from me.  Carol and Wes are trying to talk me into staying home.  I can't.  I have to find out what's going on.  For Taye's sake.  For Jamal's sake.  

My head hurts.  I wonder what he's doing tonight.

 

On the corner of Main Street
Just tryin' to keep it in line
You say you wanna move on and
You say I'm falling behind

Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?

I never really gave up on
Breakin' out of this two-star town
I got the green light
I got a little fight
I'm gonna turn this thing around

Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?

The good old days, the honest man;
The restless heart, the Promised Land
A subtle kiss that no one sees;
A broken wrist and a big trapeze

Oh well I don't mind, if you don't mind
'Cause I don't shine if you don't shine
Before you go, can you read my mind?

It’s funny how you just break down
Waitin' on some sign
I pull up to the front of your driveway
With magic soakin' my spine

Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?

The teenage queen, the loaded gun;
The drop dead dream, the Chosen One
A southern drawl, a world unseen;
A city wall and a trampoline

Oh well I don't mind, if you don't mind
'Cause I don't shine if you don't shine
Before you jump
Tell me what you find when you read my mind

Slippin’ in my faith until I fall
You never returned that call
Woman, open the door, don't let it sting
I wanna breathe that fire again

She said I don't mind, if you don't mind
'Cause I don't shine if you don't shine

Put your back on me
Put your back on me
Put your back on me

The stars are blazing like rebel diamonds cut out of the sun
When you read my mind

- read my mind; the killers.

------------------------

I don't know.  This song, I keep playing it.  It.. makes me cry? 
I swear to God, journal, if you tell anyone that, I'll burn you.

Now that I've calmed down (some) I want to write on more what happened.

I show up at the tavern, ending a call that was information on some bad stuff going on in Kenya.  I go up to the window, and already I'm aware that Sibby and Rafe are there.  Sierra is close, talking to them.  I shouldn't be surprised, right? 

I get my drink, sit down, and look across at them.  I think, I think Sibby was just turning away from me, then.  His attention.  Sierra spouts out something about why don't I fucking talk to him? And some other shit.  I tell her to stay the fuck out of it.

She says something about me stalking him around, starting drama and all of this crap.  Hello?  I go to this place almost every single night.  I have not said one word to Sibby or the rest of his family (except for today).  And yet, I'm stalking him.  Wasn't he the one I saw in the truck, in the parking lot a night ago?  Just sitting there?  After I'd seen him earlier?  Which, I know he wasn't stalking me.  He's not that type.  I'm just saying, all I do is show up and I'm accused of stalking.

 

Nevermind that she only comes around once in a blue moon and she has no i-fucking-dea on what's going on, but boy doesn't she seem to act like it?

Why are they friends with her?  Rafe and Sibby had to hear her say that.  Why would they want to be friends with someone that's obviously lying?  And on top of that, she points out that Sibby has a ring on and she made it sound as if he'd married again?  Did that not piss him off at least a little?

Only after I pretend (because, yes, it stung) that I didn't care did she say that it was mine.  Now, I bet if I had broken down into tears?  I bet fucking MONEY she would've gone along with it, saying he was, indeed, married to someone else.  She was only trying to make me that much more upset.

Thanks to her that now there's probably not a shred of anything left for Sibby and I talking.  Because, Rafe may think that she was right, that I have been stalking Sibby.  Isn't that great?  Now the whole family is going to find out that I'm a stalker.  And, because of what I said when she tried to hurt me by pointing out the ring.  I didn't see it, so how was I to know it was the one I gave him?

She probably did this on purpose.  I walked up on her basically inviting him to frisk her.  So, you know, start shit with the ex, make SURE she's out of the picture and then hit on the man to take him for herself.

Jesus.  How many of the O'Brady's is she gonna hit on, anyway?

Anyway.  My options are to ignore her, or kick her ass, or just ignore the tavern completely.

Like I said, she ruined any chances of Sibby and I trying to talk, which was probably a huge plan of hers to begin with.

Maybe they'll open their eyes and see what a liar she was.  It had to be pretty obvious to Sibby, at least.

Speaking of, with her making up shit like that (me being a stalker, starting shit, stuff like that), what if she WAS lying about the ring?  What if he is married again?

Africa is sounding more promising.  I feel sick.

Anyway.  Taye and Jamal are missing.  Last they were seen, they were with another small group, scouting out an area west of Marsabet National Park when there was talk of poachers in the area.  I don't know if they got lost?  The rest of the group made it back.  They said that the two split up and when they last saw them, they were headed northwest.  Not good.

And, supposedly a lot of money is gone from the funds.   Taren is supposed to go over the books to make sure it wasn't a calculation error.

If they're not found, or the money, I may have to take a trip.  I won't have to have to, but, I need to.  This doesn't sound like Taye.  It certainly doesn't sound like Jamal.

What if they were taken?
 

I love people that want to stick their noses in other people's business.

 

I love it more when they run when you try to shut them up.

Even more when you find out that somehow, they always have this protective shield over them so they can't get hurt.

Let her keep talking.  I'll shatter that fucking shield or kill myself trying.
 

When will people learn?  I DON'T sit there and run my mouth back and forth.  I have too much of a temper.

Apparently, I start drama though.

Because I go to a public place that I go to almost every other night, and my ex husband is there.  So, that means, MUST mean I'm stalking him.  So says Sierra.  And the same Sierra says I'm starting fucking drama because I look over there.

On top of all of this, people are missing in Africa.  And money.  Which means, I may have to take a trip to Africa.

Seriously, I may not come back.

I think?  I think I've been okay?  But last night, Sebastian was at the tavern.  Not once, but twice.  The second time, though, he didn't get out of his truck.  I didn't know what he was doing then; if he was watching for me, looking for me, or waiting for me to leave so he could make a visit.

I thought I had been okay, but seeing him.. I can't describe it.  It hurt, and it's not even his fault.  This whole thing isn't his fault.  It hurt and it hurt because of myself.  I did this to myself.

The first time I saw him, I was dropping a package off.  I got my drink and went to the lawn.  We kept catching each other glancing at each other.  I was so nervous because I didn't know what was going to happen.  I didn't know if he'd approach me, I didn't know if I should approach him.  But, I keep thinking not to.  I've done enough damage, have I not?  Why keep pushing it.

And it's not like I'd really ever be accepted back into the Army (read: family), really.  I feel sometimes that they suffocate each other enough and what if?  What if we did get back toghether or try, and his family dismisses him?  It would, no doubt, be blamed on me.  They'd think that's what I wanted all along, and it's not.

Anyway, he left.  That's what happened.  He left the tavern but he came back that night.  Not long after I returned from trying to eat dinner.  He stayed in his truck.  I was talking to Dillon.  Dillon was really curious about my travels to Africa.  He stared at me like I was insane when I told him which part of Africa I'd been in.  Only a couple have pointed out that I had a death wish when I told them it was the eastern side; Kenya, to be exact.  I swear, for a split second, I -thought- I saw a flash of worry.  I might have been imagining it.

He left.  I wanted to break down.  My nerves were worse, then, than they were earlier when I'd seen him.  I'm a champ at hiding things, though.  I don't know if Dillon ever picked up on any of it.

Anyway.  I would write more; I will, later.  I have to meet up with Jessie, Margo, Darla and Cole about some things going on in Africa.  A trip in the future is possible, but it's not been confirmed, yet.

I painted your room at
midnight, so I'd know
yesterday was over.
I put all your books
on the top shelf,
even the one with
the four leaf clover
man, I'm getting older
I took all your pictures
Off the wall and wrapped
them in a news paper blanket
I haven't slept in what seems
like a century, and now I can
barely breathe


Just like a crow chasing the butterfly
dandelions lost in the summer sky
when you and I were getting
high as outer space, I never
thought you'd slip away
I guess I was just a little too late

your words still serenade me,
Your lullabies won't let me sleep
I've never heard such a haunting
melody. oh, it's killing me
you know I can barely breathe


just like a crow chasing the butterfly
dandelions lost in the summer sky
when you and I were getting
high as outer space, I never
thought you'd slip away
I guess I was just a little too late

just like a crow chasing the butterfly
dandelions lost in the summer sky
when you and I were getting
high as outer space, I never
thought you'd slip away -

like a crow chasing the Butterfly
dandelions lost in the summer sky
when you and I were getting
High as outer space, I never
thought you'd slip away
I guess I was just a little too late

just a little too late


: shinedown

I've been wondering how Donnie's been doing. The last I saw him, I think he wasn't looking so good. But, that night is still hard to recall for me; my memories are still fuzzy when it comes to certain things. I hope he's okay. I really do.

The other night I happened upon a sight that I had not seen in ages. Vera, the Gypsy girl, stopped by the tavern and to say the least, I was surprised. More than that, I felt so many memories rising to the surface; so many I had forgotten until I spotted her. We spoke for a long time, mostly about Kai. She said she'd not seen him in a while now, but she gave me an update on how he was doing the last she saw him. She inquired about the scars he'd left on her skin, but with it being the Desert man, they could mean anything, really. I didn't tell her the story of how he tried to basically kill me the last he saw me. Some things are better left out of conversation, I guess. I still have scars along my back; faint, but there and I guess it's a good thing they're back there in a place that I really can't see or else I'd be constantly reminded of him. He's a puzzle, definitely, one that I tried to put together but it seemed that I never had the right pieces for the missing spots. And whenever I felt he was doing better, that -other- side of him would show up and wreck everything all over again.

Still, I wonder how he's really doing.

I wonder.. if he thinks of me.

He was the first guy I'd fallen in love with and oh my did I fall. I fell hard. I fell fast. And still, the last I saw him, I felt like I'd fall to pieces; I felt as if my heart was shattering. It was strange; as much as I went through, as many times I was choked, clawed up (one reason why I get nervous whenever I see claws flashing at the tavern, or anywhere for that matter) and everything else that'd happened--I stood steadfast by his side.

It took nearly a year to realise that he was destroying me as much as he was destroying himself. Or was I destroying myself? That, that might make more sense. I let him do whatever he wished; anything he wanted in hopes that it would fix him just a little more. I thought it might have worked, some. Even Vera said he was a little better; but I don't quite know if that has anything to do with me or the fact that he'd found a way to finally heal.

I don't know.

I'm glad I saw her; Vera. There was one thing we agreed on; if it had not been for Kai (or whatever he goes by these days), we would have never met.

Something strange happened over the weekend. Basically, by the end of it; I woke up, finding myself in some clearing. I couldn't remember anything; my name, where I was, where I lived. Even now, I still think there are things that I can't remember. Flashes of faces that I don't recognize keep showing on the screen of my eyelids.

I think I was sent on a Seeking; I remember very vaguely trying to control a countless number of spirits that seemed to be pouring out of nowhere. They were not kind; well, not all of them. But, I don't know, still, how I manage to control them. Or did I at all? I blacked out, then I woke up.

Donnie helped me; I ran into him at the tavern--but then, I didn't know who he was. He helped me find my house. And when I did, I read this thing all night and had a long talk with Sicalis, who, was behind the whole mess.

Ever since then, I've stayed in this.. funk. I get that often lately. I think part of it is because I know the change of seasons is right around the corner. And the other part-- well, I don't even want to discuss it. When I try, I find myself breaking down, crying my eyes out. I hate having feelings, emotions; I hate being torn and twisted. I hate it, hate it.

I think Desdenova could tell a lot had been getting to me; that I was wearing myself thin. Somehow, I ended up visiting his uncle last week. The man, I admit, is quite good looking. But, he does like to mess with the mind. It's like he treats people like toys, almost-- or either he just treated me that way because he knew I needed a break from the normal? Because, I have to admit, I stayed busy and not once did I think about the crap that's been getting to me lately. In fact, when I left, for a short time, I felt renewed, refreshed when really, I think I should've felt the opposite; drained, upset even? It's so hard to explain. Well, except that I love games about as much as he does.

I have to thank Desdenova later. I will not pay him back. I will not play a prank on him. He was only looking out for his sister, right?

Anyway, I think I'm going out for a while. I want to drink myself into oblivion.